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Well what do you know, that pair of kevlar-cutting scissors that I bought at Fry’s on whim actually came in handy. A 2-liter bottle of Sprite that I had bought had somehow gotten pressurized and impossible to open. At first I suspected it was just my gimpy wrists, but I think I’m don’t think it’s just that. The top seems to be completely sealed up (much tighter than when it was first opened). In any case, those scissors worked a number on it. That’ll show ’em who’s boss around here!